6 Things Your Teen Wants You To Know

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Plus, what you can do about them.

First of all, you need to know that you are not alone. Navigating the sometimes tumultuous waters of the teenage years is difficult and challenging, but you are not the only one riding the waves of uncertainty, angst and fear. That being said, there are a few things that are important to know and understand to help support you in this journey, whether your teen is just entering this phase or about to launch out to their on young adult path.

1) Its temporary

I’m sure you’ve hear the term, “This too shall pass.” Well, this stage will pass. It will sneak up on you when you least expect it AND it will go before you realize it. This may not sound very comforting right this very moment, however, it can help to keep you in the moment rather than focusing on the seemingly never-ending road ahead. In both the positive moments and the negative ones, remind yourself that this stage is just a stage and it will not last forever.

2) Remain Curious

Adolescents crave to be understand, heard, valued and respected. They’re learning a great deal at this point both in school and about their world that can be overwhelming and exciting. It’s a time of identity formation and it’s normal for them to try on different personalities, interests and beliefs just to see if it’s where they want to be. However, for a lot of parents this can be the most challenging because what they might be seeing could go against values and beliefs they’ve tried so hard to instill since birth.

Curiosity goes a long way with teens and their felt sense of someone actually interested in what they think leads to powerful moments of connection and openness. When you ask, let it be a genuine question without assumption or accusation. You can use words like, “Help me understand,” or “Tell me more about that.” This allows your teen to feel like you really care and can set your opinions or beliefs aside to make space for their evolving sense of self and purpose. **And just to be clear, this does not mean your stance or boundary on an issue changes. It just means you’re listening from a place of interest**

3) When in doubt, ASK

Have you ever had a situation come up with your teen where you feel clueless about what they want from you or what they’re asking for? If so, just ask, “Do you want me to listen right now or help you find a solution?” Your budding adult might be feeling a lot but they’re not always able to pinpoint exactly what they need in those moments and its completely normal. Asking or clarifying expectations during these times can really go a long way in helping your teen be able to do this for themselves.

This also helps to empower your teen to notice times when she’s just needing a place to vent or if she’s really struggling with a solution, unable to find the way out and needing your help. I’ll also add, once you ask, it is important that you honor her response. If she asks you to give her space and you don’t, you can actually send the message that her requests aren’t important or that you really don’t care.

4) Engage don’t Enrage

This concept can be a transformational one and it’s composed of the few things we’ve already discussed. Looking for opportunities to engage your teen is a practice and takes unbiased observation. You need to take a few steps back, survey her affect and mood (as well as your own) and be open to the opportunity to engage her in the moment. For instance, she gets into the car after a long day at school and vents that her teachers are “stupid” and “incompetent.” Of course, you know this is not a rational statement, however, arguing this fact with her is not a moment of engagement, it will actually do the reverse and push her further down her road of feeling misunderstood and unheard, possibly escalating her even more.

Instead, engaging her in this moment could look something like this, “It sounds like today was rough.” Leave it at that. Pause and let her respond. It’s possible that she’ll keep ranting and it’s also possible that she’ll sigh and agree that it has been rough. Regardless, the message she gets from you in this moment is that it’s ok to tell you about her day; good and bad. She’s either stressed or upset about something and you’re job is not to disprove that or to make it better, your job is just to listen and help her feel understood so that she can let go of the irrational belief and make space for a logical solution. Once she’s softer, ask her if she would like help with a solution and respect her answer.

5) Remember you are powerful

Whether or not your teen will admit it what you do, say and how you act does matter to her. She’s watching you, taking cues and soaking up all the things you’re unsure she’s even aware of. Teens watch adults closely, they might reject a lot verbally, but internally they are like a soap sponge soaking up all kinds of information by watching what you say and do.

Because of this, it’s important to also model that it’s ok to be wrong and acknowledge you’re mistakes. Teens actually respect their parents for admitting their faults. By acknowledging your own faults you are in turn helping your teen internalize the ability to admit faults and take ownership of their wrongdoings. Think of these moments as a time to connect and you’ll notice your relationship deepen in really powerful ways.

6) Laugh more

It’s so important to remember to not always take yourself and your teen so seriously. Not everything is challenging and when we over focus on the difficulties or mistakes, we rob ourselves of the good too. Knowing when to lighten up can be difficult, especially if there is a lot of tension, however, recognizing this is the first step in making the shift to allow lightheartedness in.

Spend time doing things with no expectation or focusing on just being in the moment can help bring a spirit of play and laughter into the relationship. Try not to confuse this with being a “buddy” or “BFF” with your daughter. Think about it more as a time to fill up your emotional savings for when things get tough (and you know they will). Moments of laughter and enjoyment help cushion the challenging times by allowing us to remember that it’s not ALL bad. Plus, it can make you more relatable and strengthen the bond that remains no matter how tough life gets.

What would you add? Leave it in the comments below!

 



Get A Grip on Stress

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Quick Tips for Stress Management

We’ve all have felt stressed at one point or another in our lives. Did you know that there are different types of stress? One is motivating, eustress, and the other is unmanageable, distress.

Regardless of which one you experience at a given time, principles of Yoga and a regular practice can help relieve you mentally, emotionally and physically of the toll stress can take on the body and mind.

Eustress: the good kind of stress...yes..it exists!  Eustres motivates us, drives us, and keeps us enthusiastic.  Think of the excitement before a big game, the feeling you get before doing something new, exciting, or unexpected.

Distress: The negative kind of stress. Distress feels like more than we can handle. It is typically associated with feeling overwhelmed, like things are out of your control. Distress is what most people are referring to when they say things like, “I am so stressed!”  Think of finding out you have a test that you forgot about, didn’t prepare for, and you have to take it. YIKES!

The amazing thing about physical practice of yoga is that it can induce stress. It is designed to create challenge so we can learn through the practice of yoga that we don’t have to freak out when we experience stress. 

We learn that we can stay, we can modify a pose, we can continue to breath mindfully and intentionally, and train our brains to know we are okay.

Building upon this, we can also take these lessons off the mat and into our lives. For instance, when we are stuck in traffic we can freak out, honk at people, convince ourselves the world is going to come to an end if we are late, or we can breath, stay calm, and drive safely to get to our destination. 

Quick tips to manage stress:

  1.  Breathe! 

    Take long, slow inhales and exhales deep into your lungs. Try counting 5 counts for each inhale and 5 counts for each exhale. If that seems easy, try increasing the count one at a time up to 10 counts in and 10 counts out.

  2. Stomp out ANTS! 

    ANTS are Automatic Negative Thoughts. We all have them, and noticing them and changing what we tell ourselves can make a difference. 

    If your automatic thought is, “I will never get there on time and everyone is going to hate me for it!” Try telling yourself something different, like, “Keep calm, do your best, and people will understand.” 

    If they don’t understand, you can deal with that when the time comes, but creating the worst case scenarios in our heads doesn’t tend to help.

  3. Meditate! 

    Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and focus on NOTHING.

    Let’s be real, your brain is going to think, because that is what it is designed to do, so when you have thoughts come up, just let them go as if they are floating by on a cloud. 

    Know that you don’t have to DO anything in those moments. Just sit, be still, and breathe. Let them float on by! If you can do that once, you can do it again, and again, and again.

Why Yoga?

Yoga is a powerful tool for emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health.

From the mat to your outside world, Yoga teaches how to create more confidence, connection, intention and purpose.

Study after study confirms the powerful affects a regular Yoga practice has on increasing body awareness, emotional regulation and academic performance in today's youth. 

By helping young people get into their body and physically experience their personal power through breath, movement and relaxation, we are helping them develop accessible tools to manage everyday stressors in positive ways.

And the best part, you don’t need a mat to do Yoga! In fact, the Asana (physical movement) is just one of the eight limbs of Yoga.

Our focus at TruthTribe is to share all the benefits of a regular Yoga practice with teen girls on the cusp of their young lives so they know what it means to live authentically connected to themselves and others before their young adult lives begin.

The Life Changing Affect of Quiet Space

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Last week, I introduced the concept of mindfulness and stated that research shows that mindfulness is one of the most, if not THE most, powerful tool there is for decreasing stress that we experience in our bodies.

So if mindfulness is where it all begins and where we are able to finally observe who we are, what we are doing and how we do it, then how do we achieve this heightened sense of awareness?

Elizabeth Stanley, Ph.D., founder of the non-profit Mind Fitness Training Institute, says to think about it the same way you would think about building muscle. Just as “physical fitness relies on repeated exercises to generate specific muscular and cardiovascular changes, likewise, mind fitness relies on specific exercises to create changes in the structure and function of the brain. Like the body is physically changed by exercise, areas of the brain may shrink or expand – become more or less functional – based on experience and training. Armed with this understanding and the right approach, it’s possible to literally rewire the brain to be more effective and resilient.”

The good news is that you don’t actually need to be a mindfulness expert to experience increased levels of mindfulness. In fact, to become more mindful all you really need is you, a few minutes to spare and some quiet space. This could be at home, in the car, in the shower, at your desk and even during savasna of your favorite yoga class.

As you close your eyes focus your attention on just being still and allowing all of your thoughts to slowly surrender to the quiet. Take an inventory of what you feel, physically and emotionally. Labeling them in your mind and then taking three separate deep breathes, inhaling in through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Feel your breath fill your lungs and follow it out into the air. Open your eyes and recall what you were feeling before you began and see if you feel a difference.

With a little practice and consistency you’ll begin to notice how these simple steps can alter your mood, attitude and outlook. Not only will you feel more present in the moment to make sound decisions and focus, you will also experience a deeper connection to your emotional self which will allow for less reactivity, stress and negative thoughts to interfere.

Just by first stopping to breathe and refocus your attention on your body, you will in turn open up space to be in the moment and be aware of what is going on in your mind and your body. You will be surprised what you discover about yourself and how these new discoveries will inform who you are and what you are going through. Take inventories sporadically and clear your mind of the clutter that distracts and taunts you.

Take opportunities to enjoy the smallest of tasks and use mindfulness to open up and shine a bright light on your deepest desires, thoughts to find the inspiration that the clutter hid for so long. Re-connect daily and in a few months time, look back and be amazed by your progress, emotional and mental clarity and overall positive outlook on life.